Sometimes.. You just have to let something go to be happy. Last week, I made one of the hardest decisions in life. To continue on my 3+ years relationship or to end it. To most people (including the person), this came out of nowhere. Honestly, I don’t know how it all started too. I cannot pinpoint to one incident that started it all. It took me by surprise too that I would ever have this dilemma. For the last 3 years, I can see him at the end of the aisle, wearing grey suit, smiling from ear to ear. That vision just vanished. It was as if I was awaken from a dream; as much as I want it back, I can’t have it back. The last 3 years was a blast. He was very loving, patient, and an initiative taker. Being with him was easy. I didn’t have to think much what others have to say about us and I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. As far as family, religion, cultural, work values, we’re so aligned. Everything works well in our favour and there was barely any fire hoop we have to jump through. We’re a match made in heaven. When everything goes right, I decided to step on the break. Hard. And just like that, I killed the dream, I killed the man that loves me, I killed me. It ached telling him that I don’t want this relationship anymore, not because he’s a horrible boyfriend, but because he’s too good. Over time, his love has become more and more overwhelming. But this wasn’t a good enough reason to call a relationship off. Then I looked back to everything we’ve been through. The food festival that brought us close, the grouse grind, the movie, the splash park, the trip to Sunshine Coast, the birthday surprises, the twinkling lights at Capilano Bridge, the shingles, the Olympics, the breakfasts we made, the board game nights, the more surprises, the unvalentine celebrations, the late nights at school, the Whistler and Seattle trips, the job interviews, the airtrike, the AYCEs, the events, the volunteeering opps, the family gatherings, the tour guidings, the blueberry picking, the long Indonesia trip. We’ve been through a lot. Many of the things I don’t think I’d ever do alone, nor find a better accompaniment. Then why throw them all? To me, these are happy memories that I’ll forever cherish whether I end up with him, or with someone else. I don’t feel I’ve wasted my time nor his. We did all the things we did as part of growing up and discovering ourselves. Sure I turned out to be someone he wasn’t hoping me to be and that the old me is what he truly wants. I acknowledge my change and I know I was a much better girlfriend then than I am now. All my cards and little gifts are great reminder of this. Something still feel pretty off. I love being someone’s girlfriend. I love pouring all my energy and time to bring happiness to someone. It was so easy for me that I let some things fell off the crack. These things were the quiet noise that kept running around in my head for the last few weeks that I cannot tune out.
It’s a difficult decision to make. It hurts me as much as it hurt him. I didn’t want to throw away everything we’ve wished for together and disappoint everyone around us. Up until this second, I still don’t know if I made a good decision. I still don’t know if I just screwed myself over for the rest of my life. These kind of decisions are never easy to make and it’s always a 50:50 chance. All I know is that if I go back to him now, we will continue to walk on thin ice.
I made it sound so easy in front of him. It’ll be easier for him to move on now that I put myself as the bad guy. I want him to move on. Be with other girls. Try new adventures. Play video games all day. Save up and spend money for his family. Pimp out his car. Start a new venture.
Deep down, I still believe he’s made for me. I still believe I can be that girl in the photos again, smiling happily ear to ear while his arms wrapped around me. But it is not what I want at the moment. I want to figure myself out. Away from him. I want to see if the problems I’ve had with him are my problems. If they are then I have to find a way to fix myself. Everyday I’m trying to get all of my own questions answered and it hit me this morning…
You can’t make the future you happy, if the present you aren’t happy. Your heart feels more than the mind does.
I can’t keep thinking about the future. I have to focus on the present and make my present self happy first, before I can make the future me happy.
Truth is, I’ve been feeling quite relieved since I pulled the plug last week. I don’t feel responsible of hurting him as much anymore. Despite this relief, I still feel empty going home, sitting on my couch, listening to the lull of the emptiness of the room. I haven’t been single for a long time. I’m not good alone, but I believe in myself. I believe I’ll find my way back to happiness once this commotion is over.
This has been quite a journey and I am looking forward for the next chapter. I mentioned in my previous blog post that I did not want my autobiography to end up in Chick Flick / Romance section, but it is a part of life and a part of growing up. It brings me back to my younger days. Days where I just think of love and nothing else. All of the sudden I feel young again and it’s a feeling I haven’t had for long time. I’ve been so focused in building my brand and my portfolio so much that I forgot I should also enjoy my youth. These are the days I could never re-live. I believe love will come more than once.