Loneliness

If I were to be asked what is the one thing that I’m most scared of in this world, I would say loneliness. Yes, loneliness, not ghosts nor spiders. I’m okay with those two but loneliness I really, really can’t handle.

I often say that I’m crowdphobic. I don’t like being in the middle of a big crowd without having someone beside me. It does not have to be a big crowd really, it could be anything else like Superstore. I broke down and teared up in Superstore before when I was just there alone. I just felt so lost and so…. yeah, lost. This is another reason why I’m so dependant on someone to go somewhere. If I were to be invited to a party of any kind, I have to go at least with one person I am comfortable with. Else, I’ll be a partypooper for sure. 

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I’m getting better at it though over the years. Before, I wouldn’t come to conventions or workshops alone but I’ve pushed myself beyond. It still irritates me and I still bite my nails whenever I go to these type of events but at least I’m pushing myself, right? I also have been trying to lower down any fence I have when meeting new people and just relax and enjoy the conversation. Something that’s a little hard to do as I usually just pressured myself right away. I’m learning though!

Anyways, for those of you that don’t know, I’ve been living with my mom for the past year. I used to live with my sister, Michella, but she left for Indonesia for good last May 2010. So ever since then, I lived with my mom who’s here to babysit my nephew, Julian, while my other sister works. It’s kind of crazy how the year just passed by so quickly and it never really hit me until today when I dropped her off at the airport with Ed. At first, I just waved her goodbye but there was something inside me that pushed me to run towards her. 

Floods of tears poured out of me. I could not stop crying.

I was sobbing in front of the check in counter. I know I would miss her and I was already preparing myself for it. I know she’s going to back to Indonesia only for 2 months and to be with my dad and Michella. It’s fair and it’s totally understandable. But what I can’t get my head off is the feeling of loneliness. I’m so used to be coming home and having someone there to greet me with a smile. Everytime I come home from work or school, I know she would be there either cooking, watching TV, playing with Julian, napping, or doing any other random chores. From now on til July, I would have to come home to a huge silence. It will take me sometime to adjust to this. Perhaps I would have some emotional moments, but I just have to be mature about the matter and learn from it. I cannot be dependent on someone forever. Perhaps this is my call to be more, much more independent.

But what worse is that when I come back from my Toronto trip for Ace Nationals Competition, it’s not just my mom who won’t be here. My sister, Trixie and my super adorable Julian would not be here as well…… and to top that off, my super awesome friend, Aldrich Tan will also be away for his 8-month coop job at RIM. It will be so damn quiet……………

I thank you, Ed, for comforting me all the way from the airport back to my place. You’re so amazing.

Btw, Ed would be so happy if he knew I’m embedding his favourite band on my blog to represent how I feel. This is a very rare occassion I tell ya 😛

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